at last, the toronto song

A ways back, Wrye said he was going to introduce me to "The Toronto Song". I googled around for it, but the only thing I found was this from Groucho Marx. Wrye never mentioned it again, and so I promptly forgot all about it.

Wrye, apparently, did not. And he has at last ended the mystery, prompting some funny comments here. So, wmtc readers, I bring you... The Toronto Song.
Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie’s
The Toronto Song (1989 Version)

I hate the Skydome
And the CN tower too
I hate Nathan Phillips Square
and the Ontario Zoo
The rent's too high
The air's unclean
The beaches are dirty
And the people are mean,
And the women are big
And the men are dumb
And the children are loopy
'cause they live in a slum
The water is polluted and the mayor's a dork
They dress real bad and they think they're New York
In Toronto-
Ontario-o-oh...

(spoken)
A: You know...I think I pretty much hate all of Ontario.
B: Oh yeah…Me too.

I hate Thunder Bay and Ottawa,
Kitchener, Windsor, and Oshawa,
London sucks,
and the Great Lakes suck,
And Sarnia sucks,
and Turkey Point sucks
I took a trip to Ontario,
To visit Brian Mulroney-
Moosoonee sucks and Beaverton sucks Southhampton sucks and Hull sucks, too
He beat me up
and he stole my pants
and he put me on a tree
Peterborough, Marlborough, Stockton suck, Elk Bay Islands And Uxbridge suck
I went to see the Maple Leafs,
and got hit in the head with a puck
Mississauga sucks and Sterling sucks Port Elgin Sucks and Brighton sucks
I don't even know how they did it, I mean,
I was playing the organ at the time
Ravenhurst sucks and Sudbury sucks and Thunder Bay sucks and
Alan Thicke sucks!

Ontario-o-o-o-oh
Sucks.

(spoken)
A: Yup. Actually you know now that I really think about it, I think I pretty much hate every gosh darn province and territory in our country.
B: Well, except Alberta…
A: Oh yeah, I love Alberta!
B: It's very nice, lots of cows and trees and rocks and dirt
A+B: moo moo moo!
but,

I hate Newfoundland cause they talk so weird
And Prince Edward Island is- too small!
Nova Scotia's dumb cause it's the name of a bank
New Brunswick doesn't have a good mall
Quebec is revolting and it makes me mad
Ontario sucks, Ontario sucks
(spoken)
B: And the average population density of Manitoba is 1.9 people per square kilometer…
A: Isn't that stupid?

Saskatchewan is boring and the people are old
And as for the territories: they're too cold!
And the only really good thing about the province of British Columbia is that it's right next to us;

Cause Alberta--
Doesn't suck;

but Calgary does.
This is downright hilarious. I love that Mississauga made the cut! Best line, hands down: "The water is polluted and the mayor’s a dork /
They dress real bad and they think they're New York". Priceless.

Wrye also notes:
OMFG, we have to introduce redsock and LG to The Worms, Frantics and The Vestibules (ne' Radio Free Vestibule) post haste!
To which I reply: Fuckin' A!

Funny thing is, back before I met any of you, when wtmc was a mere five days old, someone introduced me to The Arrogant Worms. When I sent out my leaving announcement to the Haven Coalition, the abortion-access activist group I used to help run, one of the volunteers passed my info on to her parents. She is the daughter of a Vietnam War draft resister (an American man) and a Canadian mom. Her dad sent me this. Check out the post. I was begging for people to leave comments. Hee hee.

Comments

  1. mister anchovy27 August 2005 at 10:05

    that song was written when we had an appliance salesman for a mayor, good ol' Mel Lastman. Those were the Mulroney years. I had hoped we could all forget him, but everytime I turn on the TV, I see his dorky son Ben hosting dorky celebrity programs.

    ReplyDelete
  2. barefoot hiker27 August 2005 at 12:41

    I was thinking of this last night when I was out with Paul. One of the songs that was playing in the bar was "Sweet Home, Alabama" by Leonard Skynard. Years ago, a buddy and I used to cruise the backroads of Halton as an excuse to listen to loud music (Eagles, Alan Parson's Project, Supertramp mostly) and, living as we did in Mississauga, we changed the lyrics when we sang along. Seeing as you're heading there too, I now pass them along. Sing it loud and sing it proud!

    Sweet home, Mississauga
    Where Toronto sleeps
    Sweet home, Mississauga
    Where suburbia creeps
    Here I come
    Mississauga

    Use them wisely.
    Use them in peace. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. barefoot hiker27 August 2005 at 12:56

    that song was written when we had an appliance salesman for a mayor, good ol' Mel Lastman. Those were the Mulroney years.

    Back then, Mel was only mayor of North York... there were six cities in Metro in those days, and Toronto was just one of 'em. The mayor they're probably talking about is June Rowlands, who's best remembered for nixing a performance by The Barenaked Ladies at City Hall because of their name. That was a little too PC even for the good folks of Blue Toronto, and it was remembered come election time when she was turfed by Barbara Hall.

    Mel Lastman was, as I recall, a huge vocal critic of the province's plan back in '95 and '96 to amalgamate the six cities into a single (enlarged) City of Toronto and eliminate the federation of Metropolitan Toronto in 1997. Then all of a sudden I noticed he had stopped joining in the chorus of badmouthing the idea, and at that moment I knew that he had realized there was no stopping this train, being driven by the provincial government, and that he was considering running for mayor of the new city. He did, and he got the job. He always shined as the Mayor of North York; I knew people living here then who just couldn't bend down to kiss his ass fast enough. But he just didn't seem to have the chops to run "megacity" Toronto once it became a reality. Anybody else remember the cracks he made about not wanting to go to Africa in support of our Olympic bid, talking about "poisonous snakes" and picturing himself in a big stew pot surrounded by dancing natives (yeah... us too, Mel, really...), and then being pilloried in the media and saying "I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." about fifteen times right in a row? Not exactly the city's finest moment. So, in retrospect, the words of the Arrogant Worms would certainly have been fitting applied to Mel, but I think they predate his tenure. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. laura k27 August 2005 at 16:28

    Anybody else remember the cracks he made about not wanting to go to Africa in support of our Olympic bid, talking about "poisonous snakes" and picturing himself in a big stew pot surrounded by dancing natives (yeah... us too, Mel, really...), and then being pilloried in the media and saying "I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." about fifteen times right in a row?

    I remember this!!! I remember it but would never, ever have remembered who said it, or when, or who on earth the git was. But I absolutely remember it. It was a big story in NYC, where there is a sizeable African population, not to mention African-Americans.

    Whoa. Thanks for the (distant) memory.

    ReplyDelete
  5. laura k27 August 2005 at 16:29

    Sweet home, Mississauga...

    I am speechless.

    And Redsock must be snickering.

    ReplyDelete
  6. barefoot hiker27 August 2005 at 19:16

    I remember this!!! I remember it but would never, ever have remembered who said it, or when, or who on earth the git was. But I absolutely remember it. It was a big story in NYC, where there is a sizeable African population, not to mention African-Americans.

    Don't let it worry you, though. Mel's been gone for a while now, replaced by David Miller. And anyway, you'll be living in Mississauga, under supermayor Hazel McCallion, who's been Mayor of Mississauga since... oohhh, the Middle Ages sometime, I think. :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous28 August 2005 at 00:17

    In the interest of regional balance, having heard from Edmonton, let us now hear from Montreal:

    Radio Free Vestibule--I Don't Want to go to Toronto:

    (I don't want to go to Toronto, I don't want to go...)
    I don't want to go to Toronto,
    I don't want to go
    All of the blocks are square,
    None of the streets are twisted;
    None of the streets are paved with bricks;
    There's too many elevators in Toronto--
    Not enough stairs in Toronto
    Not enough stairs!

    (I don't want to go to Toronto, I don't want to go...)

    All of the food in Toronto is made of edible oil products
    They don't have bagels in Toronto
    They have doughnuts,
    Doughnuts made of edible oil!
    I don't like doughnuts,
    They don't have bagels!

    (I don't want to go to Toronto, I don't want to go...)

    I don't want to go to Toronto!
    People don't have faces in Toronto
    They have cigarette ads, instead
    They listen to your phone calls
    THERE'S A TOWER IN TORONTO THAT CONTROLS PEOPLE'S MINDS!!!
    It's illegal to possess brightly coloured balloons in Toronto
    Illegal to own brightly coloured balloons!

    (I don't want to go to Toronto, I don't want to go...)

    All of the children in Toronto must wear suits
    Even the girls, three piece suits!
    The buildings in Toronto have no windows
    I don't want to go
    Everyone lives in sub-terranean caverns
    Filled with doughnuts made of edible oil
    I don't want to go!

    (I don't want to go to Toronto, I don't want to go...)

    Nobody goes to the bathroom in Toronto
    They have a special operation
    They have it removed surgically
    There's a tax on all wicker goods in Toronto
    There's huge buildings with no windows
    And streets with no curves
    And inside you find little girls in suits
    Running around with black balloons
    And munching on edible oil products

    (I don't want to go to Toronto, I don't want to go...)

    The kids don't have names;
    They have numbers which are assigned to them at birth
    They're called "Three hundred and eighty seven point seven",
    "Four hundred and twelve point nine"
    And they all have cigarette ads instead of faces
    I don't want to go to Toronto
    I don't want to go
    I have plenty of wicker goods
    I don't want a tax on my wicker goods
    I like going to the bathroom
    I don't want to go the hospital
    I don't want to go to Toronto
    I don't want to go
    Do I have to go to Toronto?
    Do I?
    Do I have to go?
    I don't want to go
    Do I have to go to Toronto?
    I don't want to go...

    ReplyDelete
  8. laura k28 August 2005 at 06:59

    LP: I wasn't worried about Mel. I was amazed I could recall anything that far back! I've heard of Hazel. I look forward to learning more.

    More lyrics to post. Thanks Wrye!

    ReplyDelete

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